88. Place a monument or marker at the site of the grave to show honor for the deceased. The American Jewish community customarily sets the marker in place around the time of the first Yahrzeit, about a year after the conclusion of shiva.

89. Understand that some Jewish authorities consider that placing a marker before a year has passed implies that the memory of the deceased is quickly fading. Strict Jewish law requires that this be done as soon as possible after shiva is concluded. Placing the marker officially ends the formal mourning period.

90. Note that the monument is dedicated by the family at a ceremony of “unveiling” held at the graveside. Usually this service is similar to the service of burial but shorter. It consists of the reading of psalms and prayers, the chanting of the memorial prayer El Malei Rachamim, and (if a minyan is present) the recital of the Mourner’s Kaddish. A Rabbi or Cantor leads this service for you or gives you assistance in preparing to lead it yourself.

91. Realize that the unveiling ceremony marks a transition from the year of grief and mourning, to the new year of recovery. When the following two statements can be made with fullness of heart, the time is right to schedule the unveiling service:
We miss you and we love you.
We are all right.

92. Seek help from your Rabbi when these two statements cannot be made honestly. This means that there are normal grief issues still present which must still be resolved.

93. Talk with the cemetery administration where the deceased is interred to assist you in locating firms which fashion monuments and markers. The firm usually provides a form on which to write what you wish to appear.

94. Determine what you want written on the monument. This may include the English and Hebrew names of the deceased, the date of death according to Western and Hebrew calendars, and abbreviations of traditional Hebrew phrases expressing honor to the deceased. See the glossary under “Memorial phrases” for suggestions.

95. Ask your Rabbi to assist in preparing this form and in making certain that the Hebrew names and phrases are the correct ones. Ask the monument firm if they provide you with a final copy of what will be engraved on the monument for your approval and how they ensure that it will be ready on time.

96. Recite the memorial service of Yizkor on four occasions during the course of the year. . They are the afternoon of Yom Kippur, the eighth day of Sukkot (Shemini Atzeret), the last day of Passover, and the second day of Shavuot. At each of these services mourners gather to honor the memory of those whom they have lost, to hear the memorial prayer El Malei Rachamim chanted, and to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish.

97. Acknowledge the anniversary of the death according to the Hebrew calendar each year. Do this by reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish and lighting a candle which will burn for twenty four hours. This observance is called Yahrzeit.

98. Say Kaddish in the synagogue on the preceding Shabbat when the name of the deceased is announced as well as on the actual day. Some synagogues reserve a special aliya on Shabbat mornings for all those whose Yahrzeit falls during the following week.

99. Recognize that many congregations notify members of the date of the Yahrzeit in advance. Those same synagogues may also read at the end of every evening service the names of those whose Yahrzeit falls during the coming day.

Rabbi Mel Glazer is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist who can help you navigate these difficult waves of emotion. He has served pulpits in the United States, Canada, and Johannesburg, South Africa. Feel free to call upon him for guidance when making difficult decisions. He is also available to officiate at funerals for your loved ones anywhere in America. His phone number is 1.877. LECHAIM. (1.877.532.4246)

Rabbi Mel Glazer
http://www.yourgriefmatters.com
© Rabbi Mel Glazer, 2005

Jesus said, “If you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to
this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and be planted in
the sea,’ and it would obey you” (Luke 17:6).

Wait a minute–did I get the right verse for this topic? What do
mustard seeds and mulberry trees have to do with learning how to
forgive?

Quite a lot, actually. Earlier, Jesus had been talking about
offenses and how to deal with them:

“Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you,
rebuke him: and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins
against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day
returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him” (Luke
17:3-4).

Now, people don’t generally mind rebuking a brother. In fact, it
comes quite naturally (at least in our fallen human nature). But
when Jesus said to rebuke, it wasn’t a license to act mean and
nasty, or to be self-satisfied, which often seems to be what we
mean by “rebuke”–when someone offends us, we want to “tell them
off.”

That’s not what Jesus was talking about. Yes, there are times
when we must deal seriously with a matter, and we should never
back down from that. But we must always be careful to do it in
love, seeking the good of the other person involved.

We don’t mind repentance, either, as long as it is somebody else
who is doing it. If someone offends us, and then comes back and
apologizeswell, we can often just go ahead and let it go, and
it makes us feel, you know, sort of magnanimous. (We have a
nasty habit of making everything about us, don’t we? It’s the
fallen nature again.)

But seven times in one day? That’s pushing it. I mean, how much
of this treatment are we supposed to take? Plus, its one thing
when they offend us, and then they repent. What about when they
don’t repent? Are we still supposed to forgive?

Yes.

In another place, Jesus said, “Whenever you stand praying, if
you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father
in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25). No
repentance mentioned here, not even a hint. Just forgive.

Okay, that really tests our limits now, doesn’t it? But we’re
not in bad company, because it tested the disciples as well.
When Jesus told them to forgive the brother seven times, the
disciples suddenly became aware of a great inadequacy in
themselves, particularly in their faith.

The apostles-that’s what Luke calls them at this point-said to
Jesus, “Increase our faith” (Luke 17:5). Yeah, if they were
going to have to offer this kind of forgiveness, they were
really going to need to reckon with their faith.

You see, like everything else in the Christian life, forgiveness
is a matter of faith. For when we forgive an offense, we are
giving up something. Will God “make up the difference” for us?
It takes faith to trust Him to do that.

So Jesus began talking about mustard seeds and mulberry trees:
“If you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to this
mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and be planted in the
sea,’ and it would obey you” (Luke 17:6).

Faith is like a mustard seed, and like a mustard seed, it must
be planted to do any good. The size of the seed is not
important. What you do with it is. But how do you plant the
“seed” of faith?

Jesus tells us: “Say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the
roots and be planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you.”

Ah, yes. You plant your faith “seed” by what you say. It is the
same way with forgiveness. Forgiveness requires faith, and faith
is a seed that you plant by what you say.

So the way you forgive is to say, by faith, “I forgive.” When
you do that, you may not, at first, even feel like you have
forgiven at all. You may even feel anger rising up again because
of the offense. Never mind that. You must cease from being moved
by your feelings and continue to stand with your faith: “I
forgive.” As often as the offense comes to mind, and as often as
feelings of anger rise up, reassert your faith: “I forgive.”

As you take your stand in faith and forgive, you will eventually
find that the offense has been uprooted from your life. It is no
longer chained to you-you have released it by faith. It is no
longer a stumbling block for you-you have removed it by faith.
It has been cast into the sea, by faith. Now you are free to
move forward in your life.

© 2005 by Jeff Doles